09 Mar Get a handle on it!
Since the 1960s research has shown the critical impact of non-verbal communication. Anything from as little as 7% to 20% is the word impact, the rest of the message received depends on your voice, tone, facial expression, and overall body language. That is a very scary thought, considering how much attention we often pay to the words (only) when we communicate.
Not too long ago I had a yucky experience in a leadership session with a group I know quite well. All of the participants are relatively new in their roles, and there were a lot of frustration around not holding each other accountable. From my point of view as an ‘outsider’ or an objective consultant, I reconned this had to stop fast. In the session I apparently was rather animated around the consequences of the non-confrontational behaviour. I say apparently, because at some point one of the managers lost his cool and completely lashed out at me about how my hand gestures did not match my friendly amicable words – his words, promise.
To be absolutely honest, he was right. I was super irritated by, what I thought, their slow uptake of a leadership behaviour change was. Obviously, my emotional state spilled into my aggressive hand movements. Fair enough, that was not cool, I was wrong. I simply could not contain my impatience. On the other hand, my gestures were also honest, the truth. I did want them to wake up to the issue at hand, puns intended.
We managed to talk through my blunder and related triggers – the frustrations we all felt without the robustness needed in their then conversational style.
Because body language is so powerful, it has always been a fascination. This forms such a huge part of emotional intelligence; our social- and self-awareness of how we use this communication tool in connecting and interacting with each other.
My third son managed to not use words for a very long time, just using ‘non-verbals’. It was only when he no longer could handle the incessant instructions assuming he did not know anything, when his first words burst out: “Don’t tell me!”
Now that was a shocker! Here we were worried sick why this child was not talking – no need mommy, he used the 93%+ very effectively, thank you very much.
How do we optimize our own body language? My experience is that people often don’t listen well – to words anyway. So, we use our non-verbal tools to bring a message consciously or mostly unconsciously across. When I know a conversation is going to be tricky, or even when I am facilitating development sessions, I do this very deliberately in how people are positioned. Everything from the angle of their chairs, the distance between one another, where their phones are, you name it – all of it has an impact. Call me next level controlling, I am okay with that. I just know if we want to get healthy results, fast, it is critical to be deliberate with these things. Humans are physical beings; we observe far more what is shared, than the words spoken.