05 Aug Mind-blowing stuff!
One of the universal struggles for humans is to dislike or resist change, we literally start this at birth – screaming our hearts out when we have to accept the new way of what is.
In other words non-acceptance, not allowing what is. In doing this we refuse to change our minds – we consciously or un-consciously block the shift in mind-set. We move into our survival strategies: flight, fight, freeze.
Please humour me: You are having a conversation with someone where the person and/or the topic has meaning to you. It is important for you to share your view, your mind-set, your thinking. In this conversation it is obvious that the other person disagrees with you, or does not see your point of view. You have different perspectives. At times you feel like you want to leave the conversation (maybe even run), or you feel stuck and cannot find the words to convince the other person or maybe feel like you are pulling back, or you get irritated, frustrated or angry.
So by now our brains and bodies believe that we are threatened, we are being rejected or dismissed, hurt and insulted – simply pushed out: not good enough!
We are no longer psychologically safe. In this very painful emotional state, there is no way we will be able to open or change our minds at all. All we are doing at this stage is hurting, and trying to avoid further suffering. Our egos are totally in control and perspective-taking is no longer possible.
We have all been there. Often many times a day.
To be able to hold more than one point of view, without getting emotionally triggered is the leadership skill set we are aiming for here.
Now just imagine you are able to notice when you get triggered by the threat of a different idea or story. Imagine you can allow your own argument or story to just pause for a bit, you know – hang in the wings while you allow the other opinions to be explored.
Because ultimately that is just what it is – an opinion, an option, a perception, or perspective. One view, one story of the situation or topic at hand. This time round you are being ‘openminded’. And contrary to popular belief, your brain will not fall out…
We know what the research shows: Organisations and teams with leaders who can allow more than one view to be held; who values all opinions or ideas; and who creates space for this way of thinking and ‘safe’ robust debating, will be far more successful in this day and age than those who don’t.
So if you can be real with yourself, and know that you too can be very opinionated and have strong views, then you know doing this is not always easy. Trust me, this is a lifelong struggle for most of us – this allowing and accepting thing, but there is hope for us, and there are ways and means to get better at this.
Here are some proven life changing tips:
- Clean the spunge: You know how we always say kids are like spunges – they are totally open to new ideas, openminded. Make time to clear your mind. Stillness works well: be in nature, meditate, pray, journal, whatever works. Clean-up the mind clutter.
- Recognise your triggers: When you trigger in a conversation, reflect on what the trigger was. Learn to see and acknowledge it – our past hurts are excellent at moving us in that survival mode within milli-seconds, but if you do the work and become aware of it when it happens, you can change the course of the conversation.
- Do the work: Learn to get better at this by doing the hard yards. Byron Katie wrote a book called “Loving what is”. She teaches a very simple but highly effective methodology to help us move out of our stuck mind-sets. She calls it “doing the work”, and it works, but you do have to sit down and pay your dues. There are many other self-help type gurus and therapists, reach out and deal with your stuff. Who knows, it might just be mind-blowing?!