21 Jul The art of Forgiveness
Like with most creative birthing processes, with a little push I committed myself to write something to share via social media about one of the elements we measure with our Motto Leadership 360° Assessment tool. As you probably know by now, we ended up using some of it in this book as an introduction to a new learning theme.
So this is what happened…: there I was, lastminute.com as usual, forcing myself to write on ‘forgiveness’ of all things. Since we had agreed that this was going to be the blog theme that I had to deliver on, the closer I came to my deadline, the more I realised that I am completely the wrong person to say anything about forgiveness. The reason being that the art of forgiving can be such a hard thing to do – for me that is… maybe you master it with ease?
Initially when you start thinking about it, or if you ask anybody about their acts of forgiving, they will say: “I will forgive, but I won’t forget.” Or something like: “I chose to forgive X, not for his/her sake, but for my own.”
I watched tons of video clips on the topic, and the more I listened to stories and how we are meant to forgive, the more I realized how badly I really suck at it.
These are some of the key things that struck me about forgiving others:
- Not forgiving gets ‘stuck’ onto you:
- When you are not letting go of pain or a negative experience, it affects your future behaviours, often in a negative manner – through fear by holding back and not truly ‘showing up’, really just not making the best choices.
- An example thereof is shared by Amy Chozick in her book “Chasing Hillary”. She talks about how Hillary Clinton was hurt by the media earlier in her career and then clung onto a negative view of the media. Hillary ended up not tapping into that powerful resource the way her counterpart (our dear Mr Trump) most definitely did, and we all know what happened then…
- Not forgiving eats your energy:
- There is a reason why all religions tell us to forgive. It really is a good thing. Every time you have a negative thought about an event or person, it takes away from you – it changes your mood, and it eats your emotional energy that could be spent and invested on people and things you love.
- Also, this bitterness held from not forgiving tends to become part of your personality – the story created around why you are always grumpy, miserable, angry, grudgy, just not that great to be around. When you do end up spending time with others, your mood will rub off on others, and some of these folks will start avoiding you or you and your negative clan will attract more followers with that negative begrudging vibe. Not ideal, right?
- An unexpected part of having to forgive others is that you also have to forgive yourself for getting yourself into that state/situation:
- When we are hurt or disappointed by others, we are often so focused on ‘the other’ and that person’s wrongdoing, or pain caused, that we don’t realise we are actually really angry with ourselves too for our part in it – maybe allowing or enabling the bad behaviour unconsciously.
- Self-forgiveness, in my opinion, is harder than forgiving others – our own standards (especially as leaders) are often much higher than what we expect from others, and so we end up beating ourselves up long after the event. This relates to the Buddhist talk about ‘shooting the second arrow’ – the parable is that the first arrow was the actual negative experience you endured, and the second arrow is not letting it go and ongoingly beating yourself up about it.
Bottom line: Not forgiving or saying sorry holds you back as an individual, and as a leader, it will hold the people and the organisation you lead back.
And now you will ask me: “Okay, so how do we do this?!”
Firstly, an ‘honest conversation’ is needed in person (if possible) between the perceived perpetrator and the other (less guilty) party.
Saying sorry and forgiving is intertwined with painful situations. This implies that even when you feel and know you are ‘not guilty’, you will have to do the work too. A critical part of that rectifying is to ‘sit in the other person’s chair’. [This is similar to what we spoke of in session 9 on empathy – yet another lovely, chewy, tricky topic and leadership skill…]
Secondly, there is a process that can work wonders – I have personally used this in my life successfully in business, with family and in my friendships. I have taught this technique multiple times to leadership teams and coached plenty of managers on this. It is truly mind-blowing. It literally changes the wiring in your brain while you work through the process. I came across this in a weird way, and I am requesting that you remain open-minded (and open-hearted) when I talk you through it.
The technique is a Hawaiian forgiveness methodology. It is called Ho’oponopono. (It really would have helped if it was easier to pronounce and spell. I am sure the business space take-up would be much higher). It means to ‘make (doubly) right’ – with self and others. The story goes that two tribes were at war for centuries, and to reconcile, this methodology was used to bring peace and healing to the people.
There are four simple actions that you have to take that I have slightly adapted. Follow it like a recipe – step by step. Trust me, I am terrible at colouring in the lines, but this one really works:
- Repentance: “I’m sorry…” – do this five times;
You really have to dig deep, mean it, be sincere. The idea is to say what you are sorry for, expand on your behaviour in the situation, what you have observed, and share your remorse. Please be specific;
- Ask forgiveness: “Please forgive me…” – again, do this five times;
When you do this, each time refer to your behaviours that caused harm that were mentioned in the first step;
- Gratitude: “Thank you…” – yes, do it five times;
When you practice this with the other party, share what you are grateful for in this person, in your learnings from the situation, and maybe share your appreciation for being able to clear the air and move on;
- Love: “I love you…” – I know, I totally get the resistance. If you cannot do ‘love’, then do ‘like’ instead, but five times it is. Again, please be specific on your appreciation for the person and what the good things are that you can see in this individual. Dig deep and find the relatedness. Maybe find what you have in common with this human that you also like/love about yourself.
Nobody said it was going to be easy to be a leader, but remember that discomfort and pain brings growth, development and strength on so many levels.